Words by Maria

Cleanse.

One week. For one week.

Dati, I would do cleanse (social media, etc) then I would feel good doing it. I would feel light headed after.

But now despite having the silence, its comfort is nowhere near. It’s the noise, that unstoppable noise, playing on my head. Tapos, everyday, I would cry before going to sleep, I would cry right after waking up, I would cry while working — it was the exhaustion beyond all tangible and intangible measure.

While doing the cleanse, I exhaust myself, I make sure may ginagawa ako, that my mind is somewhere far so I wouldn’t search under water for the reason why I felt this way.

So it wasn’t cleanse no? I would just put those pile of books beside waiting for it to be read.

Until then…

Accidentally….

The books showed their title.

It was a sheer combination of fear, anger, rush, and denial hiding behind. Exhausted — all at once.

Those times, the only way I would accept doing so, is crying. It’s the defense mechanism for sanity but I wasn’t dealing with it right. Pride, they say.

Until then…

One morning, I cannot do it anymore, pain was on the farther side and the more I walk away from it, the more it hurts. And the more I hurt myself, the more the pain arises like a dormant volcano finally had chance to erupt.

It bursts — I don’t even look like warrior with no weapons on. I looked more like a baby naked: crying its heart out to its father for a hug, for a save, for a comfort.

I cried to the Lord, it was a sheer cry inside and outside, asking for the torment to stop — just for a moment, allow me to feel the peace aside from having it when asleep.

Then it dawns.

“Ride it.”

I’ve been doing it wrong this time. I’ve stayed so much on my comfort zone that now I am swayed and slapped by waves, I am drowning and exhausted. Ride the waves, may it be tears on your eyes or storm has arised.

“Cry upfront”

I’ve been indirectly crying to the Lord so the answers wasn’t direct. I mean, even a direct answer from the Lord is so hard to encrypt tapos I was settling for an indirect answer kasi I cannot show how worn out I am.

“The strong ones cry too”

I was fixated by the idea that I should just be strong, by strong means we ain’t shedding tears here, I should always be okay — I feel like that’s what people expect of me. But God expects us to fall unto our knees. God wants those frailness, His chance to show “Nakakapagod talagang lumaban mag-isa anak.”

God wanted those moments where you’ll realize strength itself is weakness if you don’t know where to get it.

“But take a rest, for now.”

“You’ve been fighting and handling it your way, my child. But you’re aslo hiding away from it, despite knowing I am here. I was here. The battle is already won.”

The battle is already won.